Cím nélkül

As my wife lay there, handcuffed to the bed, covered in semen with a buttplug hanging out of her anus, two things occurred to me.
Firstly since I took her virginity all those years ago, she had become more uninhibited in the bedroom than I could have ever anticipated.
Secondly, she had clearly forgotten that I was going to be home early.

As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.
She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed."
So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.

My mate's new girlfriend told him she liked it doggy style this morning. So he's taken her up the woods to throw a few sticks for her.

What's 10 inches long, hard as steel, and can keep a woman loyal to you for years?
A deadlock bolt on a basement door in London apparently.

I nearly had a 69 with my new German girlfriend last night.
I wanted sechs and she said nein.

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

If women are so good at multitasking, why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time?

"Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?", I asked my date.
"Really", she asked. "What's the first?".
"A big fuck off knife!", I replied.
"Ha ha you're funny", she said.
"Well done, you've made a sensible choice"

Just had a sexting 3some with my girlfriend and the NSA.

As we stripped off, jumping into the bed, my girlfriend said to me, "Can you give
me a minute?"
"Why? Want to freshen up?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "Its just that last time you only gave me 30 seconds."

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."
Unbelievable what some people are into.

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.
She calls me her sixty second lover.

I got chatting to a girl in a club, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."

Women always say that sex with me is quite a revelation - well - Revelation 22:12 to be exact - 'Behold I come quickly...!'

My new girlfriend said to me, "Be honest, how many women have you actually slept with?"
"Just four," I replied.
"Four women in your whole life?" she asked, "That's pretty good."
"Oh sorry, I thought you meant since we've been together."

As my spunk dribbled down my girlfriend's chin, I looked her in the eyes and said, "Do you like that?"
"No," she replied, "What the fuck is in this sandwich?"

I remember my wedding night, my missus got undressed and lay out spreadeagled on the bed.
She said "You know what I want don't you"?
I replied "Yes, by the looks of it, the whole fucking bed"

I never let my children watch big band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins.

(joreszt sickirol)

--
When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say. -George R.R. Martin