A legnagyobb baj az elso benyomassal...

Last night I was checking my fan mail and a young lady wrote me, and most of the time I miss most of my fan mail, I get 3-4 hundred pieces of viewer mail a day, but this young lady, I just happened to catch her letter, and she said that she was contemplating suicide. And that she attempted it before in her life and um, that's been unsuccessful but that's a weird definition of unsuccessful because she's still alive.

But she was thinking about doing it again, and she watched my video on the topic of suicide several times, and it helped her. And I wanted to write her back, and tell her a few things, and I realized that maybe that's information we can all use. With this time of the year, with the tragedies going on in the World, with, with just the World in general being what it is, maybe it's something we can all benefit from here.

So I gave her all the advice that I have, when I was suicidal, when I was very very unhappy, when I thought about checking out early and I wanna pass it on to you, but first I'd like to start by saying that if you need somebody to talk to, and I'm unavailable, I don't see your emails, and you don't have a loved one that you wanna talk to about it, there are plenty of resources. I like to use the Hopeline, and you'll find them at hopeline.com. They're excellent at helping you find some temporary relief, finding you resources in the area to find permanent relief and helping you find hope. There's also, in every country a national hotline for suicide prevention. And there are plenty of subforums and forums and things on the Internet that allow you to talk to other people who are feeling the way that you're feeling. I personally use the subreddit, um, /depression. Those guys have been phenomenal and instrumental at keeping me saying and I really appreciate them, and I think you should stop by there sometime.

That said, I'd like to tell you that I, too, have lived a life of pain. And, for me, not just physical pain, because the body's gonna demand and that's a big part of it, but the mental anguish that comes with being in this body, and people torturing me or being cruel to me because I look inapt different. Not only that but I grew up in an abusive home, so I suffered child abuse, both mental and physical, on an almost always daily basis. And um, that was for the first 18 years of my life, and I'm 38 now but it's still carried with me.

And I'd like to say that that pain goes away but I can't. Because that pain is still with me, and I still carry it with me, and it's still part of my heart and part of my mind, and it affects me fairly often still. But there are days that I don't think about it, there are weeks that I don't think about it, and earlier this year there were just a couple of months that it just never crossed my mind and it was never part of my brain. And what I'm trying to say is, even if that pain never goes away, maybe it's the pain of burying somebody you love or losing that girl or guy that you absolutely wanted to be with or that job opportunity or something failure. That pain may never go away but you will learn to live with it. You'll learn to make room for it, and still have plenty of room for the joy and happiness that you deserve.

Just the same way someone in a terrible accident who loses their arm or loses their leg learns to live with that disability, you can learn to live with that debilitating pain. I have, and if I can I think that you can, too. I want to tell you that there's no reason to leave this Earth early, primarily because you don't know what happens when you die, we don't know, we can't know.

All signs point to blinking out of existence. Whatever energy that makes up your consciousness just being reabsorbed. That may be true but if you're a religious person - and I'm not saying I am or not - you might believe in heaven. But you also might believe in hell. You might believe in reincarnation. And that means there's a limitless number of possibilities that can be waiting for you. Some better, some worse. Would you really want to trade this known for that unknown. Because it's not logical to do that. Specifically when that unknown could be worse. Nothing is worse than something. And hell... speaks for itself. Even worse to me is, what if it's the same life all over again, and you have to experience this pain, brand new and fresh, all over for the first time. Reincarnation is a bitch. And I wouldn't risk it.

You have potential here, in this life to be happy, to find, to achieve the things you want, to find the person you wanna be with, to start a family, maybe you don't want to be uh, with family, maybe you don't want to be with anybody, maybe you don't want to have an, uh... whatever your dreams are, you have the opportunity to make your dreams come true here. And why trade that opportunity for nothing? This is all you know you'll get. This.

So take advantage of it, live it to its maximum. And I'll tell you something else, once you are ready to die, once you fully accepted that you're going to die one day - and death is inevitable - what you are wanting right now on some level is going to come to you, free of charge, without effort, with it's on its way. Why not live this life to its fullest potential between now and that time to see as much as you can achieve, because when you finally accept: I'm a dead man walking, you're free.

You're free to try anything. That girl you wanna talk to, so what if she says no, you'll die one day anway. That job, that career that you want to try to get... what if I can't get a job as a marine biologist, who cares, you'll die anyway. No matter what you want to try to do, you know that if you fall flat on your ass, there will be freedom from that failure, so why not try?

I'd also like to tell you that I was suicidal for a very very long time. I considered it greatly in 2009 when my mother passed. I considered it in 2001 when my father passed. I considered it many many times as a young adult, and I considered it almost daily as a teenager. And, uh, I lived in spite of it. I lived partially because of it. The success that I have now, it has a lot to do with the strength that was given to me by learning to fight that. And learning to teach other people to fight it, too. And if I hadn't held on, if I hadn't fought for the things that I wanted, for the things that I fuckin' deserve, I wouldn't be as happy as I am today.

And I know you look at me and see a fat sack of turd, that's okay. Some of you gonna see that, I get that. And I'm not as happy as I could be, I'm not in the body that I wanna be, I don't have a billion dollars in the bank, I'm not capable of volunteering 24 hours a day to help other people, I don't have all the things that I'd want.

But I have so many wonderful things that I didn't have when I was suicidal. So many wonderful things I didn't have when I was depressed. And if I'd not chosen to fight for those things I would've never known what it was like to have them. The only life I would've known... I wouldn't [have] known the life that was filled with misery but also filled with a little bit of joy. I would've only known a life filled with misery. My life would've been sad and short. And instead it's one that I'm so happy to have now, that I feel like celebrating almost everyday.

And when those ghosts of the past crop up in the back of my head, they say: Steve, um, you know, what about that one time you got cut, or about other time you got stumped on, what about one time you got burnt, what about... what about that, what about that.

What about this? What about all the wonderful luxuries that I have, coz chances are, and I have to tell you this, chances are, if you're watching this on a computer screen somewhere, maybe on your television that's internet ready, maybe on your cellphone, maybe on your tablet. No matter where you're watching this from, chances are, if you're seeing this, you're one of the most priviliged human beings to live today to ever lived. You have more opportunity in front of you than our ancestors could've imagined. You probably live right now like a king did 200 years ago. With unimaginable, unimaginable wealth.

Take advantage of that, you owe to yourself to make the most of this life. You owe to the people around you to make the most of this life. You owe to your ancestors.

And finally I'd like to close that by saying that suicide is the most selfish act a person can perform. Because all the pain that you feel inside you right now, today, when you choose to end it, to put yourself out of that misery, that pain doesn't just disappear, but you transfer it to every person you know. Okay maybe you and your parents don't get along so well, maybe they're gone, so you don't care if they suffer. What about your friends? What about your other family members? What about that guy you played Call of Duty with on Xbox, what about your classmates, what about that people at work... What about me? Because I count on you to view my videos, to talk to me, to be here for me, what happens to even me?

You cause pain to every single one of those people, you take all that pain that's inside you, and you hand it out individually to every person that ever cared about you. And the more they care about you, the more amplified that pain is inside them. So at the very least you owe it to the people around you to try.

And I'll close with a remark that I closed with last night. The truth of the matter is, maybe you are in a lot of pain, maybe your situation really sucks, maybe you suffer from deep depression, maybe you've had a bad luck life like maybe I have, but... so what? God, or faith, or nature, a random chance put your life on hard mode. Who gives a shit? Beat the game anyway.

Azert mondtam azt, hogy "tudsz". Tudsz != fogsz. Matematikusul, szukseges, de nem elegseges feltetele :) Ok, a "nem meglepo" rossz fogalmazas volt (az "ertheto" lett volna megfelelo), pont ez lenne a lenyeg, legalabbis az elso video fenyeben.