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Windows Hasta La Vista - Ironclad Security

After receiving counselling, medication, electroshock therapy and a prefrontal lobotomy, I am once again a happy Windows user.
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Vista comes with built-in support for Microsoft's Software Quality Assurance program. The way it works is that if users inadvertently attempt to install a dangerous open source program such as the notorious OpenOffice, Vista will intervene. The fiendish program won't be installed, and Vista will instead download the equivalent closed source program (in this example, Microsoft Office) and automatically bill the customer's credit card.
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One frequently requested feature by users is the ability to encrypt the filesystem, and Vista supports this. However, the filesystem is not encrypted by default - the user has to set this up. When you enable this feature, Vista sends an email to inform the US National Security Agency (NSA) that you have done so. Then, using the NSA Back Door, FBI agents can periodically check your computer to ensure that your machine contains no terrorist messages, pornography or open source software. Users might be concerned about having such a back door on their system, but they really shouldn't be. The FBI has assured everybody that they will not abuse this power, and only concentrate on catching terrorists and other miscreants. I see no reason not to believe them. After all, if you can't trust the FBI, who can you trust?
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